At the beginning of May, I completed my first semester of grad school. I’ve been attending Liberty University, working on a Master of Arts in Religion. I’ve enjoyed my classes, writing, and thinking critically again. The program, however, hasn’t felt like the best fit for me. I have a general, if vague, sense of where I’m headed career-wise, mission-wise, and academia is probably not it. I’ve also found that I am one of few women in my classes at Liberty, and if I choose to go onto an MDiv or even a doctoral degree, the ranks are going to thin even further. The majority of my classmates are working towards the pastorate or military chaplaincies, and that’s not a direction I’m headed. I know grad school is where I need to be right now, but the degree program I’m currently in isn’t the one.

As I researched and prayed about this, I found a program that looks like the perfect fit, and I’m excited to be applying to the Master of Arts in Ministry Leadership at George Fox University. While the majority of the program will still be done online, I will also have two one-week sessions on campus per year. I’m looking forward to the opportunity to not just interact with my classmates, but to be with the same people in my classes throughout the degree program. I’ll be visiting campus at the end of June when we fly out to visit family in Seattle, and then if I am accepted, will be there for a weekend orientation in August. Everything about this program feels right, and the type of career and ministry for which it will prepare me is in line with where I feel led. My credits from Liberty will all transfer directly, so that’s a plus – thankfully, both of the degrees require the same foundational classes in Biblical studies, so I’m right on track. This degree will take a year longer to complete than the M.A. in Religion (more credit hours, plus it’s on a schedule of classes), but that’s fine. I’d rather take the time and do things right.

I’ll have my application completed by the end of the week, then an interview, and then…I wait to hear if I’ve been accepted!

Since every one of my infrequent posts begins with a comment about how long it’s been, I’m just going to skip right over that part and go straight to the actual post.

With the end of the school year, for both myself and my children, I found myself alone. Our summer custody schedule is a 50/50 split, resulting in me having weeks to myself. While in some ways, it’s a lovely predicament to be in, I found myself at a loss, not knowing how to fill my time or how to be alone for so long. Oh, we’ve had a week here and there over the last year where they’ve been gone at their dad’s, but now the entire summer looms before me – 47 days of “me time.” A dream? Or a nightmare?

I found myself wallowing, sinking into old depressed habits, and not wanting to go down that path again, I ended up on the therapist’s couch. He laughed. And laughed. Commented that this was the first time he’d had to help someone find things to put INTO their schedule, rather than decide which things to remove from it. A good problem to have, but also one that requires me to learn how to be alone.

I’ve never been alone before, not for more than a week. I’ve always had a roommate, or a husband, or the children. But now, here I am. Alone. And? That’s a good thing. I need to learn how to be alone. To be comfortable, not just in my own skin, but in spending extended periods of time alone in that skin. Part of it is learning self-discipline, learning to manage my time better. And part of it is learning, remembering, who I am.

I went for a hike. Albeit a small one, and not through the evergreen forests with which I associate hiking, but a hike nonetheless. By myself. And it was good. I remembered what it felt like, the joy of walking down a damp trail, of discovering hidden wildflowers and other such treasures. Suddenly, being alone wasn’t so bad.

The kids head back to their dad’s in a couple of days (a couple of days late, but that’s another story), and this time, I’m not dreading it so much.  I cherish the time we are together, but remembering who I am outside of motherhood is a new adventure, and one that doesn’t have to be wrought with loneliness. Alone doesn’t have to equal lonely. Good to remember.

I think I’m going to be doing some protected posts on here in the near future. If you would like the password for those posts, please leave a comment or email me. Thanks!

It’s been a rough week for the boys. Their heartache, like mine, seems to come in waves. At their ages, it is expressed more vehemently through behavior, but also through late nights with tears. The anger that a selfish choice of another person has brought this much pain to my children – pain they will carry with them, to some degree, throughout their lives – wells over as I watch them sob for the one who left, sob as they still ask why he won’t come back, why God hasn’t made him change his mind.

On the flip side of the pain that pierces my heart as I watch my boys struggle with their grief is the discovery of my own happiness. A happiness that, hard though it is to admit, was missing for a very long time. I am happy. Content. With myself, my life, my situation (as much as one can be in such a situation). I find myself on this side of an unwanted divorce, not just a stronger person, but a happier and more fulfilled one.  Not something I expected, that’s for sure. I’m a better mom. I enjoy my time with my children more – and my time alone more. I’m completely off my depression medication. My life has meaning and purpose, and it is good. I have, through the traumatic events of divorce, remembered where my true worth lies. What I sought in marriage, I have found outside of it, in God.

Got that little vent off my chest, and now that little pity party needs to be bumped down on the page. Too depressing to have it sitting at the top. After all, a log home is just a thing, and ultimately, that’s not what’s really important. We have a roof over our heads, so I truly can’t complain.

I finished my first grad school class yesterday! 3 credits down, 42 to go. I start the second half of the semester a week from Monday, and will have two new classes to enjoy. So far, things are going really well. I need to figure out what I’m taking summer semester here soon!

On Sunday night, the kids head down to their dad’s for spring break, and my parents have generously offered to fly me out to Seattle for a visit! It’s been more than a year since I’ve been back home, so I’m really looking forward to it.

Just when I think things are sailing along so nicely, I get a random phone call that sets the tears flowing. The culprit? Wisconsin Log Homes. No, really.

My dream, long before I even met my former husband, has been to one day own and live in a log home. He shared this dream, and we spent the ten years of our marriage compiling a notebook of pictures, plans, articles, and such, for the day when he finished residency, we moved to our long-term community, and could start building. We had picked out our ideal home, built by Wisconsin Log Homes, and sometime before he had packed his bags, we had (obviously) contacted them.

Well, they called today, asking if we were ready to move ahead with our plans. Now is the time we would have started the process – and I hear via my children he has started looking at land. (Whether for this purpose or not, and whether for the immediate future, I do not know). Another dream that died. Maybe someday I will be in a place where I have a lucrative career and can live out my dream. But my reality is that thanks to this divorce, my credit is in the crapper, my income so minimal as to be laughable, I’m a full-time student and single mom – and this dream is going to remain just that – a dream. For probably a very long time, if not forever.  And in the meantime, I may get to watch my dream being lived out by the person who left me so that he could follow his own.

Sometimes? I want to kick my legs and shout “it’s not fair!” Because it’s not. Before it was even “our” dream, it was my dream. Yet another causualty of divorce.

I swear, one of these days I’ll post something other than my frugal living adventures, but I’m swamped with school right now, and unless you want to hear the details of writing my first research paper in 11 years, there’s just not much interesting going on!

No picture today, but I made a quick trip to Walgreens, and will be going back tomorrow or later in the week to pick up the rest of this month’s free after rebate (FAR) items – I need to find the coupons that match so that I can get the overage on them and make a profit on my shopping!

Today I got:

3 cans of Hunt’s tomato sauce for .39 each with a store coupon.

1 Venus Embrace razor, on sale for 8.99, used a manufacturer coupon for $2 off, and then got $6 in Register Rewards back, so the net cost was .99. (I will use the $6 towards my FAR items).

1 6 pack of Walgreens nutritional drink (like Boost) – $4, plus will get $4 back in rebates from this month’s Easy Saver Catalog, so it was FREE!

2 Dove Deodorants, which were regularly 2.79. They were 1.99 each with a store coupon, and I stacked that with a 1.50/2 manufacturer coupon, bringing them down to 1.25 each. Not the best deal I’ve gotten on deodorant, but I needed it, and I like the brand.

2 boxes Theraflu. On sale for $5 each, used internet printable coupons for $2 off each, plus I will get $6 back in Easy Saver rebates, making them FREE!

To see some of the other Walgreens deals I plan to go back for tomorrow (and use my $6 in Register Rewards towards) check out Money Saving Mom.

Also, for anyone else who is working on building up their food storage, I highly recommend the site Food Storage Made Easy. They have free planning tools to download, including awesome Excel worksheets, which are a dream for someone like me who loves the organizing process (even if I’m not good at keep up with the organization afterwards)!

Stealthy creature that he is, the wolf snuck up on me before I even realized what was happening. Mean old wolf. I’ve enjoyed a year or so of incredible health, and in fact have been doing so well that my doctor and I decided to take me off of my lupus meds a couple of months ago as an experiment. I’ve been so healthy that I’ve actually gone days and weeks without even thinking about or remembering that I have lupus. But alas, not all experiments are successes.

I’m feeling fine for the most part, so at this point it’s not a significant issue. About a month ago, I had tendinitis in one of my wrists, but I couldn’t figure out what caused it. Neither my doctor or I made the connection at the time with the sudden onset of joint pain and inflammation with the timing of having been off my meds for over a month. As it turns out, the tendinitis was just the beginning symptom of my body’s inflammatory processes flaring back up. My pain in my wrists, fingers, and ankles has gradually increased over the last month, stealthily creeping up on me, but no longer to be ignored. I’ve had a couple of odd incidents of arthralgia in my upper arms that really caught me off guard with the intensity of the pain. So far, no rash this time around, but the other symptoms are there, the NSAIDS aren’t doing the trick, and it looks like my reprieve is over.

All things considered, I’m still healthy. This bumps me back up to 4 pills a day, which compared to the 36 or whatever it is I used to take, is nothing, but I was surprised by the intensity of my emotion at this development. Now, don’t get me wrong, I know that lupus isn’t something that goes away. There’s no cure, no treatment for it. You manage the symptoms. But this run of good health after being sick for so long…it’s been good. Great. Amazing. And I forgot how nice it is to feel that way. I’m still feeling fine, but even these relatively minor pains bring back that constant reminder of this disease. It’s been nice not to be reminded for awhile. And so, I will take my pills again, and eat well and exercise, and do everything I can to maintain good health – but I still cried a little when I got in the car. It’s back to blood and urine tests every three months. Back to my joints making me feel older than I am, in this body that just won’t cooperate.

Lupus, you devious wolf – you can slink back away any time you like.

The house across the street from us sat vacant for the first seven years we lived here. Someone finally bought it, and in the last year and a half, we’ve had an interesting assortment of tenants as neighbors. There was the 19 year-old running his drug business out of the house, which was really fun. Lots of interesting people to watch, loud music, and the occasional police visit, not to mention the generous sharing of beer bottles with my yard, and the random lamp post sitting in the middle of their lawn. Sadly, they were evicted, and a nice family with a cute little girl and a puppy moved in. They only stayed for two months, and the house has been empty all winter.

Until now. We have new neighbors again, and from what I’ve seen so far, we don’t have to worry about another drug house. We do, however, have to worry about taste. The new neighbors have a lawn jockey addiction. Everytime I look, they’ve added something new, sitting in a row parallel to their front porch. What I can see from my front window at a glance includes: a lighthouse, children on a teeter totter, an assortment of stone angels, a gazing ball, and my personal favorite, the large washtub with frolicking stone children in it. The only thing that’s missing is a gnome. Oh, and a flamingo. I like gnomes, so I wouldn’t  mind those so much, but seriously? Lawn clutter is not my fave. At least this clutter is amusing!

Someday, someday, I will live in a house where I look out my window and see trees. Trees. Not neighbors, not their trash, not their lawn jockeys.

*update* The tub with frolicking children contains not children but GEESE. Even better.